It is 4:15 am and it’s unnecessary quiet. One would think that noise pollution would make me beg for a moment of silence, but I don’t find it pleasant or comforting at all. Because I don’t hear the silence. There is just too much noise in my head. Not the good kind, the very bad, evil, overthinking kind of noise. It won’t let me sleep but also won’t let me stay positively awake or productive.
I am sitting on my balcony trying to find anything that moves so I don’t feel alone. Even a rat would be fine. But nothing is moving and it scares the shit out of me. While I am trying to silence my mind, I remember that I fell into a toilet today, and my ass touched the water. I smile for a moment and the thought is gone. With shaky insecure hands I light up the 36th cigarette today, and I already regret it. Now I am back to being tormented by shit I never deserved. I let that define me lately, and I am apologizing to myself every day. Why not cry? It is a surreal feeling of loneliness and rejection, and it is wonderful how easy your cheeks become warm and wet.
If only there was any sign of life… And then it hit me! I am not alone. I have a friend who doesn’t know we are very close. But I feel them because I’ve been looking their way for months now. That is my biggest support tonight. The light on the top floor of a hotel, one bright yellow window on the right. They have been up with me for months until sunrise. Such a good friend.
I have so many questions, though. First, why do they live in a hotel? That is so sad. Then, what is keeping them up all night? Nobody could party that much non-stop, for four months now I think. That would kill them. It must be something else. Maybe they have similar problem – looking for answers or waiting for closure. Or waiting for someone who will never come back. Maybe they are afraid to sleep in the dark, and I am actually all alone… No, no, no. That thought needs to disappear like immediately. They are awake, and we are connected. I am not alone.
Maybe they are tortured by their conscious. I want to know all about it. I doubt that the reason for staying up until sunrise is a good one. I’m guessing there is a lot of baggage in that room. If only I knew. Then we could share our baggage or set it on fire.
It’s 5:07 am. I don’t like what I see. Darkness is getting less dark and pretentiously getting ready for another day of coping with random bullshit. My friend is still awake.
Hey, friend! I know shit can hit the fan and life gets messy, but we will make it. It will not happen tomorrow or the day after, but it will happen once. We just need to stay strong and love ourselves. Probably get more sleep.
However, if forgiveness is what’s keeping you up or the struggle to forgive, go to sleep. Especially if you are trying to forgive someone who wasn’t even sorry. I cannot help you with that.
I decided to forgive when I am dead.