Bet you thought of your money. Yes, in a way that I can’t follow up with your megalomaniac lifestyle, but your real price is my peace. So, it has nothing to do with money.
My peace and self-sufficiency were doing pretty well together, even well-balanced at times. That was a big step forward from three years ago. I started new, fresh from the beach and with some kind of a plan, and I went to bed with a hand between my legs not feeling sorry for sleeping alone. It was only an idea behind closed door I’ve never had the guts to open before that. But I did and it was working well. I was in a good place.
I bought random shit online and bought some shit for my family too, and spending money on myself and my dearest felt really refreshing. I love to buy random shit I don’t need. Because I need it, when I see it, I need it. And I wanna have it. Sometimes I go really far to get it, but I do at the end. That’s what fucks me up every single time. I shouldn’t buy random shit I don’t need. This affair is no exception.
So, all was good. The job was steady and I was comfortable. Just landed in summer clothes in Hanoi during the coldest week, and met some weird people, joined a trippy community in a weirdly built house. I had a little gecko on my ceiling and was sharing a bathroom with a guy who was American, looking 100% Indian but embarrassed to admit it, so he was telling stories about his Turkish ancestry. We used to go together to a coffee shop and sit in silence and write. It was sometimes inspiring, but most of the time he would complain how people don’t like him. Also, he had epilepsy and couldn’t follow up with my drinking habits. Who knows where the poor epileptic bastard ended up… I was working on a laptop that belonged to an international crime lord because he fucked up mine, but I was able to deliver the job on time, and that was the only thing that mattered. The feeling of having my shit together.
I had a bag full of bikinis and one pair of winter shoes because I like to wear them during summer. I think they go great with short dresses. Kind of cute but still punk. My health was good, and I was having fun. I got into a fist fight with a soldier on the street and slept with the Prime Minister’s son. I made a decision not to drive ever in my life and have been driven around like a madam in a taxi.
I finally created a habit of having lunches alone in places I would never visit before, like those with a dress code and shit. I was making sure not to make any friends outside the house because they all ask the same questions and I just can’t repeat myself that many times and they all seemed to want to be friends. I don’t need any more friends. I was fine. I bought a pair of heels I never wore and I started drinking vodka with green tea. I wasn’t the most popular girl out of the house, but I was a princess of my own castle. A princess with a smile on her face. Strong and empowered for being alone and doing some pretty weird shit that was out of line, but it was my game. I owned it. And I crossed off many things from my imaginary bucket list, and every single thing is just proving how fucking brave I am.
I dumpster-dived a mirror for my room with Ben and some other shit for him because he is a hoarder. My room is always full of bullshit he picks up on the way home from work. I took regular rides around the river on the back of Oxana’s motorbike and found a house I want to buy and make fabulous. I was doing great. I just got over some shit from the past and was probably releasing pheromones everywhere, but I wasn’t dreaming of getting completely fucked for being amazing and re-discovering my new heights.
I didn’t need anything else than I already had, and I didn’t want to buy or trade for something that is taking all these random thingies away, as well as my attention. That’s too expensive bro. I don’t wanna pay that much. I pay for unnecessary things because I am impulsive and explosive and I do not think twice. Hence, all the decisions I’ve made so far. I didn’t need you at all. You sold yourself to me like a real master-seller, and I paid with my peace of mind and equilibrium I was working hard to reach. Now I can’t even pay attention to what is going on in the real world. I went all in.
Recently, I did exactly the same when I gave my last money for a candle with passion fruit scent that doesn’t even smell like passion fruit because it doesn’t even have a scent, and it is probably cancerous. But it was exotic, new, and it rocked my boat. Same as you. I fall for the same shit. I pay, one way or another, for things I do not need. I paid you with my peace.
P.S. I hate diamonds, they are expensive but worthless.