So, I am sitting at a bar, alone, not working tonight. Not sure why I am not working, I am more than ready to ruin some poor bastard, but it’s just not my moment. Something is in the air, and it is definitely not my love for the job.
I’d like to watch people and judge them tonight. Like that dude over there. He looks like he hates his wife, but hasn’t spoken to a stranger in the night probably since before he married that miserable bitch with nasty skin on her forearms. And she must be a real middle-aged unsatisfied bitch judging by the iron marks on his shirt. She hates him as well. Cute couple. No, he is definitely not my type. I’m just feeling sorry for him. And her.
Oh, look at her. A lady in white just walked in. Long pins, long straight hair, sexy as fuck. Could be 23, but also 36. That’s normal today. You can’t be sure if she is a he, let alone their age. Ladyboys are the best-looking women out there, and many of us got confused at some point, haha. So, she is beautiful, but she is not happy. She has a secret. Maybe she has an ingrown hair in a weird place and it almost turned into an ulcer. It happens. Poor bitch, that hurts. So, I’m still sitting here, getting fairly drunk on gin, my pantyhose are torn just above my right heel, and I’m getting bored. Oh, WAIT! I am not bored anymore. Hey, you! The guy in a white tee, rhomboid pattern shirt, strategically unbuttoned, and skinny jeans. How are you doin’? One more gin and I will own that. That face.
OK, one more drink girl and you own it. I ask for another double gin, gag and almost throw up, but confidence is there. OK, slowly do your catwalk and start a meaningless conversation about anything. Soon enough he will get the point. But sweet lord of banging, he is cute. That is exactly what you need.
So I approach slowly, put my best face out there, say Hi, and then it just came out – ‘Hey, you’re cute, may I sit on your face?’
Wait, what?! Are you out of your mind, Sofia?! That is not how you ask people for a little company. Oh, and that reminds me, you need to listen to this. And I’m sorry about that.
On the bright side, the reaction was unexpected – LET’S GO! He grabs my hand, I stumble on my heels, looking absolutely ridiculous, like a baby animal learning how to walk. That clumsiness is embarrassing, but my dance on his face was not. I made that face shine. Both of us were happy.
This could be my next pick up line. For sure, a win-win situation.
UPDATE: August 2018: Works like a charm.